Scared of Age

There is something about getting older that scares me. It scares me a lot. In a few weekends I'll be 18, I can still remember being anxious about turning the double digits or even 15. All of a sudden I'm scared. Life is scary, but growing up is more. There are days that I think to myself, will I ever move out on my own. I know everyone told me that after high school everything will be so much harder, but noone said it would be scary. Somehow the world outside of high school isnt so much harder, yet turning 18 is because I'll finally be an adult and that scary. Here comes the real life, responsibilties that I'm scared to face and truths of life that I wish I didnt have to accept. This is when real change happens. When all the people you thought would never leave your side start to dissapear and as much as you try to find them, you have to learn that they are gone.Your parents start getting each day older and everyday the thought of you not having them all your life becomes more of a reality. Your family as in cousins start making their own lives and seeing them everyday doesnt happen anymore.You begin to see how the real world doesnt revolve around what you wish for but what politics decide on, if they ever even do that. Your baby brothers voice starts to change and you cant believe the day where he is taller than you came. These are the little things about age that scare me. The fact that time is coming faster than I have ever imagined and its going to start to go even faster.

I've always said I would like to die young. The reason of that is because I'd rather not experience all these changes. Its okay if I dont get tosee all the new things in life, may sound selfish but true.

I think I will let God decide how long I get to live but until then I will live scared, yet keep in mind that all lifes beauties come in time.

When your 17.

When your 17 and have a mind like mine, you begin to realize so much.
All of a sudden you rather not turn 18, not because of the responsibilities but because you stop being a kid, atleast to society. Inside of me there a is a big kid and that will always be me, no matter how old I get.
There is just a part of me that thinks beyond what teenagers these days think. There is an adult in me, I see things so diffrent and although sometimes I hate it, most of the time I love it. There are days I find myself thinking of why I was never like the rest of the girls at age 15, looking for boys and having "fun". I always thought guys were cute and all but somehow I always expected a much higher maturity level in them. I date but it never seems to work out and that is because I expect so much, but in a good way. I dont expect money or gifts but I do expect a lot of respect not only for me but for himself and the people around us. I expect high goals for the individual that person is even if I know we would never work out. I see people and always wish the best for them, I want them to love who they are no matter where they came from or their abilities. I wish I could reach each teenage girl and tell her how much she is worth and that all lifes gifts come at their own time. I wish I could tell each guy that respecting a girl is oneof the most amazing virtues one could have. There are times I see that a guy doesnt give his girlfriend the respect she needs and she doesnt make him understand and that just breaks my heart. I dislike when people think they can just hurt someone and fix it with a simple sorry, that is not always meant.
Oh & let me not get into friendships, thats a diffrent subject for a diffrent day.
I just have so much, I wish I could change from this world, to make it into my perfect world. In ways I have, I have changed the way many people see things and how I react to things making it my perfect world. Id just like to make it perfect for everyone.My definition of pefect is not a worl without problems or pain but a world that you can see yourself happy with what you have and who you are. You dont have to have money or come from a perfect family. You just have to want to better yourself and have goals that seem impossible to everyone elses eyes but yours. If you dont believe how high you can reach, do not expect others to see you as a bigger person. I find it so sad when I look at people and I see beauty in and out and they see themselves as the lowest of the low.
Well I think I totally went off track but my point is, Im 17 and sometimes I dont feel like I see life through a 17 year olds life. I see it through some other weird age, but its not 18 either. The reason Id rather be 17 is because its a prime number and its odd, just like the way I think. If im 18 then I feel like I have to see things more like an 18 year old and that is not a nice sight,


-<3 Itzel (: